Have you ever been so scared of something so much that you became numb? Like, the fear was so overwhelming and painful that you had to stop feeling just to deal with it? Well I have, and let me tell you it was the most horrible, gut-wrenching, bone chilling experience of my life that I’ve ever experienced. And believe me when I tell you that says a lot considering all the crazy shit I’ve been through. You might be wondering what is this paralyzing fear I had that terrorized me for so long? It sounds irrational and crazy and that because it was. It was my emotions, more specifically, the emotions most commonly known as love and care. After my father died I lost it. I was afraid of losing the people I loved and cared about, especially her. I somehow rationalized that if I pushed them away I wouldn’t have to worry about losing them. You can’t lose what you don’t have right? So I pushed them away, hard.  I practically drop kicked them all: my mom, my half sister, my friends, and her. God I pushed her the most, not just because I was afraid I’d lose her, but once I realized my feeling for her I was afraid I’d hurt her.

I did so well not facing my fear for almost two years, but then I got busted and sent home. That summer I was forced to face my fears no matter how much I wanted to. It was all because it turned out no matter how much I pushed her she just wouldn’t give up on me. She helped me face the fear and, for the most part, conquer them. Hey, no one’s perfect. My name is Ashley Davies and I’m no longer scared to love.