Hes dead, the monster that did this to me is burning in ***** and I dont feel a damn thing.

Shouldnt I feel something, joy, relief, anything at all?

I sit here lost in this numbness that seems to have built a web around me, nothing not even that ***** death can penetrate it.

I should be happy that hes gone, he can never hurt another person but nothing comes to life in me.

I just cant shake this, cant make myself wake up. Im not even sure if I want to wake up.

I dont function any longer, cant do the simplest things, theres always someone with me, Shane. Alice, even Jenny stopped by to see if she could help me but theres nothing they can do.

The door bell rings and I jump thinking that it might be Lara but then it hits me all over again, shes never going to come back, Im never going to see her face, never going to touch her ever again.

The worst part is we still dont know who did this, are they still watching me, was I the one who was supposed to die that morning?

I guess it doesnt matter, they killed me they just dont know it.

I would do it myself but I couldnt do that to the people that love me, couldnt hurt them that way, not after all theyve done for me.

I couldnt do it because Lara wouldnt want me to do that. She would want me to get past this, to move on and begin to heal.

Healing, that seems like something that will never happen for me, how can I heal when I cant feel anything.

Will it always be this way, will I always be lost in this place ?

I just want to disappear, why cant I just go to sleep and stay there forever?

Thats the only time I feel anything, when I dream its of Lara, she is my savior, everything seems to make sense when were together.

It never lasts, she always leaves me, I wake to find myself alone clinging to a body that was never really there.

How do I do this without her, how do I beat this without Lara?

How do I beat this at all, can I?

Can I face the monsters that haunt me, can I find my way out of this darkness with out her help?

I sit here wondering all these things, trying so hard to make some sense of what has happened to my life.

I never saw it coming, never thought that anything like this could happen to me.

Its always someone else, it wasnt supposed to happen to me but it did.

How do I ever put this behind me, I cant get through one day without thinking about it, cant stop the imagines from running together in my mind.

Will he always have this hold over me? Will I ever be free of that *****?

I want so badly to tell him that I hate him, that Im glad hes dead.

I know that isnt possible now, someone took that chance away from me.

Maybe its for the best, I dont know if I couldve done it anyway, facing him would have been…there are no words to describe what it would have been like.

God I want this to be over, I want this to go away, why wont it just go away?

Why cant I have Lara back, why cant we have the life we were meant to have?

Why did this have to happen in the first place, why, damn it someone has to tell me why.

No answers come, they never do. They never will, I guess because there arent any.

Ill never know why, none of us will.