Tina could not tell how long she stood there, looking at what she got from the envelope. There in front of her was what it seemed to be the scariest things in her life.
There was a smaller envelope with her name on it. Then, close to her knee, was resting something beautifully wrapped in light pink silk paper. Close to the smaller envelope there was another one, thinner and larger with Alices name on it, and then, shyly looking at Tina there was a rectangular red box.

Sighing deeply Tina took the envelope with her name on it and opened it. Before taking out what it was inside she needed a few seconds to control her trembling hand. The knot in her stomach was urging her to go on, pushing her.

Resting her back on the wall, closing her eyes she took the sheets of paper out. They were neatly folded, Bettes style Tina thought, finding comfort in that simple fact.
Slowly, very slowly she unfolded them, her hands still trembling, her eyes hoping, her heart crying.


Bug,
God, am sorry but I needed to call you thatI knowits been so long since I call you that.. I needed toneeded that image of youof mesomething about usthe old usthe us before all this mess, all this pain, all this *****.

I know I am in no position to ask you anything but I beg you, please give me just a few minutes. There are not enough letters in the alphabet to help me form the words I need to try to express all my shame, all my giltthere are no words in the dictionary that could express how much I hate myself, how much I hate each and every tear that you have cried because of me. There are no phrases, no lines, not even books that could tell the story that goes in my head every time I think about youwhich is pretty much every second in the day.

I know you cant believe what you are reading, but its true. I have to say it out loud, just in case you dont know it by now; I need to write it down for you to see itif I were a better and braver person Id tell you on the face but you know am not that person. Ive never been brave so here is the truth, I am not seeing her anymore Tee, waitI know you dont want to continue reading but pleasePLEASE, just for the memory of the old daysgive me those extra minutes and read what else I have to say.

Thank you Tee


I wont try to explain what happened, if there is god and my prayers are listen the time will come and you will let me do that.. but now I just want to say you something.
Something that you knew some time ago, something that I already told you once, something that we shared, something that I forgot to remember.

You are my life Tina. I breathe because I know you are too, I exist just because I do it in your eyes, or I did.
There is no tomorrow for me without you, there is not today because there has been not yesterday. I dont know where I am, who I am or where I am going.

Without you, without your presence in my life I am lost, I dont have anywhere to go. The world is not big enough for me to hide but the world is too big or too small and now I cant find you. Ive been looking for you everywhere, many times in the wrong places. And now I dont know where else to go. My stupid pride stopped me, drove me deeper in my sorrows, in my fears. When they say evil wears red they should just say that evil wears nothing, in its bareness is her beauty. It eats you inside, leaves you weak and lost. I didnt have the courage to ask for help.

I think Im just babbling here, am not sure am making any sense.. see.. I just told you, am not even able to talk with you because you are not here, you are there, out there, in the real cold world. And am still here, looking for you. Just imagining you out there, living, breathing, loving without me close is killing me. It kills me not only because I know you, I know how strong you are, I know youd live without me; I know, or maybe just want to know, that is probably not easy for you but I know you Tee. You are capable of that and much more. You have so much love inside of you that youd light a whole country with the look in your eyes, with a smile on your face. It kills me to know that your warm heart is no longer seeking for mine but it kills me even more that it has been all my fault.”



Tears were rolling down Tinas cheeks wetting her legs and blinded her eyes. She had to stop to breathe as words were closing her lungs, looking for her heart. Cleaning some tears with her hand Tina turned the page, the next one looking at her, hoping to be read.



You can open the package Tee, the one wrapped with the light pink silky paper. If you hasnt recognize the paper only shows how bad I have treated you lately. That paper shows all my shame and all my sorrows. You will understand, open it baby.


Tina was caressing the soft paper with her free hand, afraid to break it, scare to see what it was inside.



Open it baby, you will like itI hope, god! Hope is what holds me nowopen it Tee.. is yours, always has been and always will


Leaving the sheets of paper on the floor Tina took the package with her hands and after looking at it for a while, she ripped it carefully. She could not believe what hr trembling hands were holding, she turned it up and down, she caressed it, and finally, she smelled it. The scent coming from it broke all of Tinas walls, finding her heart. Tears were coming down, filling her soul with hope. Hugging so many memories Tina found the way back to Bettes letter.


Now you know, is there Tee, is all there… The goose pumps from the first time I saw you. Those same goose pumps from the first time I hold your hand walking that night at the beach. The light scent from one of the many nights we made love. When making love was something we mastered. Put it on Tee


Tina obeyed; her mind has an owner now, Bettes words guiding her through the dark alley.


You feel it babe?… how you moved your head lightly so our faces fitted perfectly the second time we kissed its all there, in the soft touch of that memory, in the soft touch of that silk you can feel it Tee, you can see it, in the hole on the left arm, from when we had our first fightso sweet it wasso great when we fixed it, when we faced our demons together is it still tender?… The memory of the first time you kissed me so hard that I had to use that blue turtleneck for almost a weekits there, touching you on the neck, am there with you, or I was you are here with me as I write these memories.

The promise that Id be the only for you is just there, holding you, around your beautiful body, remember? You told me that when you gave that gift, you whispered sweet words the first night I wore it. The first tears I cried are there Tee, hugging you, it was after the first time we made lovewalking to the kitchen I put it on and cried. I cried for you and for me I could not believe how lucky I wasI was so scare I was not used to such happinessI cried till you put your arms around me, comforting me, whispering sweet words in my ear. I can still feel that night, your naked body around me and is all there, hugging you.
Tee.. am sure you thought I threw it away after so many years, but I didnt, I just took care of it. I needed to save it. That beautiful silky Asian robe you gave me on our third date. Its all there. Our whole story is there, holding you hugging you.

The future is unknown but Bug, dont ever doubt your past, our past. I want, I beg you to think about me like that. That robe is the real me, you know it, thats me holding you, thats me hugging you on our first Xmas night together, under the rain. Just the two of us, looking at the sky as kids waiting for Santa, sharing precious moments that I never imagined could have an end.


Tina was hugging herself, crying quietly. Her hands searching for Bettes touch, for Bettes scent, for Bettes presence in that piece of clothe. Tinas tears were adding another chapter to their story. The tears that wetted Bettes robe were erasing Tinas anger, making a vague memory in her mind.



TBC