Behind blue eyes, Shane watched dispassionately as hospital staff moved in and out of her bodys field of vision, and relaxed into the gauzy calm of The Safe Place. Shed forgotten how comfortable it felt to be here, where she could be untroubled by feelings of any kind, physical or emotional.

Shed made this space for herself a long time ago, to escape all those touches that were less gentle, their purpose less noble. Where no one could hurt her. It had been years since shed come here, not since that last time shed been attacked on the streets. That had been.

Ten years ago, her sarcastic 16-year-old self answered.

Harky! Youre still here.

Of course, *****. Where else would I be? Harky punched her fists into her pockets and scowled.

Shane almost laughed. Was that what she really looked like at that age?

Harky shifted her weight to one foot, then the other, popping her skinny hips out this way and that. What do you think? I just pulled this look out of my *****?

Shane couldnt help but laugh, knowing that her bodys face would remain as blank and unfeeling as before.

So. Shithead! That was some ***** stunt you pulled out there!

What?

Harky gave her a disgusted look. Playing Loves *****! What was that, anyway? You know better!

Even here, Shane felt a slight emotional twinge but it quickly passed. I guess I forgot how bad it could be.

Forgot! Harkys face twisted with contempt. If shed been able to, she would have spit. I dont believe you!

Believe what you want, Shane said in a tired voice. I just.

You wanted. That was it, wasnt it? You wanted.

All right, yes! I wanted. I wanted love. I wanted affection. I wanted comfort and caring and respect. I wanted to go to bed with the same woman at night and wake up with her in the morning. Yes, I wanted!

Like an angry cat, Harky turned her back. Shane could almost see her hair bristle. She reached out toward her 16-year-old self but Harky shoved her hand away. Do you know what youve done? she thought loudly. It made Shanes head wince. You put us all in danger.

No I didnt! Shane objected.

No? Youre not in some juvie infirmary now. Shane, youre in a hospital! Where they might actually GIVE a flying ***** about whats going on in here, instead of just drugging her senseless!

Harky always spoke about their body in the third person. It was a part of the distancing process. It had a sort of internal logic to it, since they couldnt feel the bodys sensations or emotions, and there were no independent thoughts to listen to. It was like putting a car in park and letting the engine idle.

Shane shook her head in denial.

Yes, Shane, yes! What are you going to do when you go back and they start asking questions? What are you going to tell them?

Nothing, Shane muttered, I wont tell them anything. Maybe I wont even go back. Its peaceful hereat least it would be if youd shut the ***** up.

And the drugs are free, piped up a younger voice. Devon. A boy self, born at the age of 11 years, thanks to a vicious john who decided a blow job wasnt all he wanted. Shane had gone to The Safe Place to escape, taking that part of herself with her. Thats how they were all created, all her other selves. Her Littles.

Yeah, Harky sniped, but what good does that do us? We cant feel them anyway.

Well, Devon sulked, it was an idea anyway.

A good idea, Devon, Shane smiled and tried to soothe his hurt feelings.

Harky started to pace. Shane, you may not want to deal with us. Ive kept us all safe. For years. All you had to do was not put us in danger.

Shane could feel Harkys agitation. The only emotions she could experience were those of all the internal selves shed put here for safekeeping. Harky, listen! Youre NOT in danger. I wouldnt do that, man.

Shane felt a tugging on her pants leg. Shane, whispered a lisping voice, are we in trouble?

Shane leaned down and picked up Evangeline. She was the youngest. Not the first born but the youngest to survive. She came here courtesy of Uncle Jonathan who used to babysit when her second set of foster parents went out. He liked to put his fingers in her while he rubbed himself. But first he always had to find her.

All of a sudden, Evangeline screamed and clambered down Shanes leg and ran to her hidey place. On the outside, a doctor or nurse was shining a light in her eyes. It terrified Evangeline because she always tried to hide from Uncle Jonathan wherever it was darkest under the bed, a closet, the basement, even the attic. He would always get a flashlight and hunt her down, whispering Cmon, sweetie, give Uncle Jonnie some special lovin.

And when he found her.Evangeline came here. It always frightened Jonathan. Not during, but after, when he had to yell, shake, sometimes even slap her. And it was getting harder and harder to get her to come out of it. And when she came back, he would always pick her up and carry to the bathroom, draw a tub of warm water, bathe her with what tenderness he was capable of, then dress her in her favorite jimmies and tuck her into bed with a kiss.

She got down on her knees and climbed into Evangelines hidey place. Its all right, honey. Its just the doctor checking our eyes, thats all.

Not Uncle Jonnie? Evangeline corked a thumb in her mouth and lisped around it.

No. Shane said firmly. Uncle Jonnies gone.

To the bad place?

Yes, Evangeline, to the bad place.

Shane looked around for the others and found there were only the three: Harky, Devon and Evangeline. Wheres Shaney? The other three lowered their eyes and shuffled their feet. To the extent that she could love any part of herself more than the others, Shaney had been her favorite. She had carried the hope and courage and excitement of a young child, the ability to dream and imagineuntil she was pulled from the one good foster home shed had and been put in That Place.

Where is she? Shane repeated.

She went away, Devon whispered.

When?

When the bad woman hurt you. She cried for a long time, and then she went away.

Even here, Shane could feel the loss. She threw her head back and wailed. For a moment, the pain made it to the surface, and flickered across her face. Fortunately, none of the ER staff were there to see it. She sat down and gathered her Littles to her, held them, rocking and crooning and took them deeper down, where it was even safer.

-x-

Dr. Lenore Varga walked in, clipboard in hand, and studied the woman lying on the gurney. She read the residents notes and found hed done a thorough job. No signs of trauma, neurological insult, reflexes normal, basic blood chemistry normal everything normal except that the patient was about as lively as a corpse. Dr. Barkin came in behind her, as she walked to the bedside and began to examine Shane for herself, paying particularly close attention to her eyes, nose, throat. Did you do a toxicology screen?

Not yet.

Order one now.

She doesnt have any.

I know, but take a look at her nasal septum. This girls been snorting something for a long time. She may not have been high before she crashed, but shes a user all right.

Dr. Barkin nodded and left the cubicle. Dr. Varga sat down in the chair beside Shane and looked at her intently. Dr. Varga tapped her pen against her lips, a nervous habit, and flipped through her mental card index of possible diagnoses.

It wasnt so much WHAT was wrong with her patient that concerned her as much as WHY. What had driven this young woman so far underground, in the absence of anything other than the emotional trauma of a breakup? It didnt add up.

So, Ms. McCutcheon, where the ***** did you go? And more importantly, why are you there instead of here? If Shane heard her, she gave no indication.

-x-