CHAPTER ONE


Ok I fucked up, I pretty much fucked up big time. Kissing Dana was the softest, best tasting mistake I have ever made. That lost look in Danas eyes when I walked away, it still kills me, somehow kills me even more than the lost look that was in Tinas eyes. Dana was starting to be happy, she was all with the ball and chain, marrying herself to Tonya. Ok so she makes my skin crawl and I get the worst vibes around her but I should have taken a step back. I had years to realise I had feelings for Dana. I let her go, I should have dealt with it. But I just could not let her marry that Toxic ***** without letting her know how I feel about her. But come to mention it, how the ***** do I feel about her? Enough to wreck any chances we have at friendship, and I guess thats all I really needed to know. I could kick myself now for walking away. She kissed me back. Kissed me like I have never been kissed before. But Ill never tell Dana that. Ill never tell her how much shes been on my mind lately. How I wish I could stop being such a coward and just face her when she tries to talk to me.
Ive had excuses so far for ignoring her. Ive had to take care of Tina, nurse her to life again. Tina has been my main concern, and yet at night when Tina would stop crying and Id have to think again Dana would be on my mind. Shes always on my mind, and when shes not I know that Ive just hidden her.
God Dane if you knew how you make me feel. If you knew how much my heart jumps every time I catch a glimpse of you in the planet, because its always a glimpse these days.
I think Im in love with her. I dont want to think that far ahead but thats where my body is jumping to. I havent loved somebody in a long time. I guess the last was Gabby, but if Im honest she was never anything but a pathetic attempt at love. Gabby is nothing compared to Dana. So shes clumsy and insecure and nervous, I love her for that, I just never realised it until now. All these years wasted cracking jokes at her expense, setting her up on dates. They should have been my dates!
But I swear its like my mind just changed completely, in the minutes it took my brain to register the fact that the ring on Toxic Tonyas finger was an engagement ring its like the clouds cleared and suddenly I saw Dana in a completely different light. Ok thats a little profound for me to stomach but its true. When Dana, gushing like she did when she scored the subaru ad, told us about the engagement I just remember my heart feeling like a lump of lead. Suddenly I started to feel desperate and jealous and sad, and in an instant I knew, it dawned on me I wanted Dana. I wanted Dana.
Its been as difficult to accept as Bettes infidelity. But you know youve exaggerated when Tina accepts and forgives something like that and youre still worrying about being in love with your friend. I dont know what Im more afraid of, Dana rejecting me or Dana wanting to be with me. I think the latter confuses me more than it frightens me. What would I do with her? What wouldnt I do with her. Alice Pieszecki those thoughts are going to get you in trouble when you get around to salvaging your friendship with Dana.
I sigh loudly because that is going to be a very tall order. I just know were going to have the whole so just friends? speech and then Im going to see her with that cat killer and its just gonna tear me apart. But I cant talk to anyone about this. Cant talk to Tina or Bette because they havent left their house in days. Cant talk to Shane because of her affair with the Hollywood bride. Cant talk to Kit, cant talk to Marina, wont talk to Jenny, couldnt talk to Dana if I tried. And dont even start on me talking to my mother because that would be about as helpful as a coronary.
So Ive escaped to the safety of the planet, and I cant even drown my sorrows in coffee. Damn that article on cleaner teeth, and damn myself for actually believing that I could live without coffee for a whole week.
Marina isnt in today, nobody is in today and strangely enough for once I find that comforting. Putting on a brave face is hard. You know the hardest part of this whole thing is I really dont feel like I sold myself to Dana enough, you know? I mean why the ***** did I choose that moment to turn into the brooding silent type who answers questions with kisses? Why didnt I remind her of my killer looks, my cutting edge style, my reliability when it comes to the up and coming…I bet youre wondering why Ive stopped, and Ill answer that question when my body learns to function again, and when Ive stopped hiding under my newspaper.
Im watching the counter, like a hawk, as Dana walks up to it, glancing around. Hopefully, hopelessly? I couldnt tell you because Im concentrating on blending into the scenery. I sneak a peek and she looks my way. *****! I start to read the paper. Single White Male 44 looking for fun and frolics all applications welcome. Informative, I like.
Al I know its you She sighs. I put the paper down. God shes beautiful, was she really always this beautiful.
Dane! I didnt see you come in…
Yes you did She cuts me off, sadly shaking her head. She places a coffee infront of me and pulls the lid off of hers. Except this time I managed to catch you while you were sitting down, so you couldnt sneak away from me…again She concentrates on the lid of her coffee, and I concentrate on how adorable she looks when shes frowning. She looks up, and in that one sweep of her eyelashes shes caught me out again. I smile guiltily.
I dont know what you mean Dane I insist taking a sip of my coffee. Relaxing immediately. Like my tongues telling my brain that caffeine is on its way.
Alice this isnt funny! She sighs, crossing her arms. You cant…you cant just tell me something like that, do something like that and then walk away and ignore me for weeks
It may have escaped your attention but Ive had other things on my mind. Ive had to look after T remember? I dont like the sound in my voice but its there and like I said brave faces are hard to come by these days.
I know that She whispers, her head hung low. But you could have let me help, you could have answered my calls
I gulp down a mouthful of coffee and feel like Im gonna choke on it. Its not that easy ok? I take another sip. I mean its not like…its not like I planned any of this
Al you kissed me She leans forward as she speaks like shes admitting to some dirty secret.
I know that Dana, I was there. Look Im sorry. I didnt mean to confuse you or ruin things between you and Tonya but I wasnt thinking straight. You were going to marry her and I just saw something really special slipping through my fingers. I shouldnt have done it, I know your happy with her so… I compose my fading smile. …you and…you have my blessing Dane I stand up and feel her hand cover mine on the table.
Well thats nice Al but I broke up with Tonya weeks ago