I sit down in front of the screen and log on, powdered sugar on my upper lip like cocaine residue, powered sugar on the keyboard. I blame K for these actions of mine tonight. How could she not know I needed her to stay, needed her to help me fight the addiction. Tonight of all nights – the night I was going to ask her to be with me forever — I was ready, ready to commit because I know she is it, shes the one – Ive known it all along- Ive known it since the beginning – since we first met. I was never really afraid of K leaving me – I am afraid of me driving her away. F*ck, she s not the one sabotaging this relationship and our future – I AM !!

I down the Dew as if it were Jack shaking my head as I swallow. The combination of donuts and caffeine produces an intoxicating sugar rush – I suddenly feel energized as I head to the site. I refuse to think about K any more – I dont like to think about K when I am looking for HER and HER stories – it makes me feel dirty – like I am cheating on her. Im already deceiving K, no need to get funky with my thoughts and imagine K watching me with HER. NO, K is out of the picture for the rest of the night. My mind belongs to L.

As I told you before, I found L quite by accident -linked to it out of curiosity while searching something entirely different I am sure there are similar sites for other shows movies, people and so on — it was just so unique to me because I had never seen such FAN-addicts. After all these months of coming back I still am trying to figure out why I am so drawn to the characters of Bette and Tina and why your storylines which feature them are so appealing. Maybe because they are so attractive , maybe they truly are soul mates, maybe I like the idea of cracks in the faade of the perfect couple. I like your prequels, your years later, the new characters you introduce, the unbelievably funny, unpredictable, heartwarming and heart wrenching plots you devise.. . I like what you do — I dont really know why. . But I am sure if I figure out my reasons, Ill quit watching and reading.

Sunday night – everybody and his brother must be logging on because it is taking f*cking FOEVER to reach my destination. Are we there yet, are we there yet? It seems like such a long road home — home sweet home — the captivating locale of my hidden desire – the place where I can reconnect and dont feel out of place – the place where Im feeling good vibrations — where I am changing places with the madwoman I am when I 9-5 it every day. Imlovinit, feeling the karma as I continue the chase to the place where it was meant to be for me to end up . . . Good gawd I am so pathetic, such a pathetic wanker. . .

FINALLY — that familiar sight for which I have been googling magically appears. I breathe a sigh of relief, scroll straight to the boxed listings of stories and stop the cursor so fast I feel I may have whip lashed my wrist.

SAY IT AINT SO, JOE, SAY IT AINT SO YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME –NO WAY THIS IS HAPPENING –NO F*CKING, FREAKING WAY. I CAN NOT, CAN NOT BELIEVE IT . . .

I slap and pinch myself HARD to make sure that I am awake, that I am not dreaming, that I am truly seeing what I am seeing. I AM awake and IT is true. . . .

SHE, YES , SHE has finally posted another chapter. I swear it has to have been a million days or more, but I dont care about that now. All I care about is the euphoria I will soon be experiencing as I read HER story. The anticipation of the pure and unadulterated ecstasy I will be enjoying in a matter of minutes is hard to control. And just when I think I am in heaven, utopia, nirvana, I SEE IT . . . Not only has SHE posted a new chapter, so have ALL OF MY OTHER FAVORITE AUTHORS — ALL IN ONE NIGHT — ALL AT THE SAME TIME — someone dial 9-1-1 because I truly believe I am having a heart attack — I cant breathe, my lungs are on fire,. My chest is pounding, racing so fast I KNOW it is going to explode. I need HELP !! . . .

Wait, I dont need help, what I need is something to accompany this auspicious occasion. I need L music !!!

I get up so quickly from my chair that I knock it over backwards and practically trip over it as I scurry to the living room. Wearing sock, boxers and a tank top (white, of course) I slide on the hardwood floor over to the CD player performing my best Risky Business – Tom Cruise imitation. Frantically I flip through the selections tossing the ones I dont want behind me onto the couch. Melissa Ferrick,- no – toss – -Melissa Etheridge, no –toss– Dido – no – toss — Lord of the Dance Lord of the Dance ?? Another time maybe — not now –no –toss — HAH there it is the L word music from the Showtime original series YES! I pop it in, pump up the volume, grab a pair Wayfarers from the shelf above the player and start to dance.

Within seconds, I hear the distinctive sound of paw nails clicking on the floor and watch while hysterically laughing as my 9 lb shaggy white ball of piece-of-***** fluff (an undisciplined Maltese named Fred) tries without success to gain some traction and run towards me. He rips around the corner, cant stop and slides head first into the bottom of the oversized Lazy-boy chair by the window. What a moron! Momentarily stunned, he regains his composure long enough to begin howling to the music. Dont be fooled – hes not enjoying the sounds — no, hes not a fan of the Murmurs. I grab of pair of Ks sunglasses and put them on him saying, Shut up and dance you dirty rat *****

I notice the slat blinds behind the chair Fred has just dented are open — excellent — its SHOWTIME for the neighbors –I hope they appreciate. I hop on the Lazy boy, strip off my tank and begin to dance. (SHES KINDA FREAKY . . . ) Not that Dana-on the all-girl-party boat-arm-waving monkey-looking kind a dance. No this is a special dance — this is the Martin Short-Ed Grimsley hair-slicked up SLN character kind of danceI MUST SAY I pull my boxers up to my chest giving myself an incredible wedgie, knock my knees together, wave my hands above my head and gyrate like a lap dancer at the local gentlemens club.(I THINK SHES A GENIUS).

The music plays, Fred howls, I dance SHE posted — oh my gawd this is perfect – – nothing could spoil this moment – this evening — nothing but the sound of the phone ringing.. . sh*t . . .

The music still plays, I stop dancing, Fred stops howling, the phone is still ringing and we look at each other through dark glasses as if to say . . You get it . . No way YOU get it.. Uh uh YOU get it – – F*CK, ILL GET IT – – . I jump off the chair, find the phone ,check the caller ID before answering , and shake my head is disbelief DOUBLE F*CK its K . . . . and Im feeling guilty. .


TBC