Me, I’m Not…4

Like a cat
Dragged in from the rain
Who goes straight back out
To do it all over again
I’ll be back for more
It’s something
That is out of our hands
Something we will never understand
It’s a hidden law
The apple falls
Destiny calls
I follow you……

Ch 5

The first step was getting everything to fall in place. We had six weeks to plan and prepare and most importantly to forget……

 Carmen and Shane both made the trip to my home this time. We where to discuss all the particulars from seating to cuisine, to music. I liked having them around. Their youthful exuberance at the view and the pool and the overall sense that they where past the difficult portion of their lives made the sting of my spiraling feelings a bit easier to bear.

My feelings…..what was I feeling?

I was feeling lost, I was feeling unrewarded. Work was an absolute bore. More and more nights at The Planet with Shane and Carmen, sneaking looks on my and Carmen’s behalf, Alice not around at the time to waste time with. It seemed the closer we came to the “big day” the farther away the afternoon with Carmen felt. It felt like it had never happened, it felt like I did not matter or exist.

Was it possible to become so entranced with a moment that you cease to function at a proper level? It was one time, at a moment when both Carmen and I were lost and needed to be found. So many times I suggested to myself…….honest with myself dishonest with myself……yet I knew that if I voiced my dilemma to someone else, I knew in my heart that whomever I spoke to would try to assess the situation and form a plan for me to ignore the future I am in right now at this moment in time. If its one thing I can not abide is the idea that someone can set their eyes on me and know my story at a glance, without the benefit of even hearing my side. My side…….what is my side? The fictional criminal court of my mind, the judge, jury and executioner of my mind chastising me, the voice of my reason and guilt asking me……..“Miss Peabody how on earth did you get yourself into this mess?” My answer; “Your honor it was not my fault, I had a fling with a young woman and that lead to series of bad decisions and immoral behavior that stretched three states, and yes I do have children of my own, and no this is not the example that I wished to set for them, but your honor you have to understand, I could not resist them……….”