Chapter 71 – Your Grace

Bette and Tina returned to the hotel and freshened up before heading out again. With the afternoon almost gone they thought they might check out Central Park before it got dark and then grab some dinner. Arriving at Central Park they began to roam around just taking in the sights. First checking out Strawberry Fields and then strolling further into the Park. When they arrived at the Bethesda Fountain Bette just stood and admired the statue Angel of the Waters.

As they stood there admiring the fountain Bette watched the people Look at that, many of these people walk by this fountain everyday but yet they are still drawn to the beauty of it. Bette begins voicing her observations to Tina. Watch as they hurry by but still look up with that look of wonder in their eyes. Do you see it?

Tina begins to watch the passing crowd and notices the same effect that Bette is pointing out. Youre right they all seem to get something.

Sitting down on the edge of the pool of the fountain Bette still watches the passerby Thats what art is all about, speaking to people over and over again. Nice isnt it?

As Tina and Bette take the time to just people watch, Tina leans into Bette and Bette puts her arm around Tina and pulls her close. They both sit there enjoying the time out feeling with the late afternoon sun shining down and warming their faces.

Tina speaks up first You know Bette I dont think I have ever been on a trip with you where we didnt have an agenda that we werent plowing through. I almost feel like this is stolen time right now.

Thanks I think. I really like looking at the big picture these days and sometimes you have to just sit back and look, you know like this art, you just get a different perspective every time you look. Bette answers and then looks down to Tina. You dont mind do you? I mean if there is something you want to do we can. Bette quickly adds.

No .. No I am loving this time of just being with you. This is something we never did enough of before. Tina says and then looks down quickly. She really hates making comparisons to their previous relationship all the time. She just thinks that it will make Bette feel guilty or bad and thats not where she is coming from. Trying to quickly correct the remark I mean well going forward I just want to spend time with you no matter what we are doing.

Bette caught Tinas sudden backtracking. Hey what this all about?

Tina looked up to Bette and hesitated Well Im sorry I just dont think I need to be bringing up the past all the time. I really dont mean to be making comparisons like that. Tina tries to explain.

Tina I dont know if we dont look at our past we are destined to repeat the same experience. Something that going to therapy has taught me is that I was always seduced by the dream of what could be, so much so that I almost lived in this make believe world of my making. This belief was so strong it blinded me to the reality of what really was. Bette pauses as she is thinking. She was thinking that her reality today is actually better than any of her dreams. These thoughts put a smile on her face.

Tina continues on in her thoughts not seeing that Bette is distracted. Youre right but I seem to always come up with these examples which contrast what we did to now and really there are similarities but we both are so different now its not fair. Tina looks up and sees that Bette is somewhere else. Babe Babe you have that smile of happiness what did I say? Tina says as she moves up and kisses the side of Bette cheek.

What was that for? Bette is brought back.

Tina smiled back at Bette Just because I can. But now that you mentioned therapy I wanted to ask you about Rachael.

Yeah, shes nice isnt she? Bette smiled to Tina with the mention of Rachael.

Yeah real nice, you seem to be comfortable with her being along. Tell me about her or more importantly how much does she know about me? Tina asked as this thought just sort of jumped into her head.

Bette now looked down at Tina. Well I talked about you but it was more in context to my maladies and not directly about you. I dont know what to say. I like her. I think our relationship has moved to the point where she is more of a friend than a counselor now. That could be why she has started seeing Shane. I could tell there was an attraction long ago. You should have seen how many times Shane tried asking her out. Bette chuckles as she recalls all the rejections that Rachael dished out to Shane. She sure made Shane work to get her attention.

Would you say that Rachael was instrumental to your development? Tina continues.

Its hard to say just how much Rachael has helped me. I think I needed a complete break before I could even get to the point where I ever would have considered therapy as a necessity that it turned into for me. Rachael was there for me and opened a lot of doors that I had closed. Bette says.

What do you mean closed doors? Tina asks.

Bette tries to explain. I was in denial and into control which led to me using manipulation as a tool. I was very manipulative of everything and the more afraid I became the more I tried to manipulate things. Rachael helped me see the truth and deal with my life not in the way I wanted my life to be but instead the way my life really was, in all its stark colors. In a way we are here today because of Rachaels influence to get me to even start painting. It started out as a way to express my emotions instead of trying to write my thoughts down in a journal. It just became so much more in that I could articulate things that I never could have put into words. Through the art I was better able to express myself which in a way allowed me to grow up. I always took responsibility for my actions or so I thought but it was an illusion of my own creation. I had reasons or you could even call them excuses for why I did what I did that I thought justified my actions. In the end therapy allowed me to be more adult about it and admit that is was all me and no one else who caused my actions. Having this accountability has afforded me the ability to see the truth and this in turns allows me to live with integrity. Having said all this Bette looks to Tina.

You know its that sense of integrity which gave me the strength to come back to you.
Bette now looks at Tina and tries to see if she understands where she is coming from.

I dont know mean, are you saying that Tina looks at Bette trying to grasp all of the conversation

It allows me to embrace my feelings instead of running from them. All that pent-up energy I used to avoid you can now be applied to more useful efforts. Bette now says as she can tease Tina a little.

Oh so youre saying you dont run from me anymore huh? Tina teases back. I will definitely remember that then next time I have an ice cube and just have to find a place for it. Tina is smiling that teasing kind of smile but she is still thinking. Babe are you comfortable now that you arent in therapy anymore .. I mean you seemed to have gotten so much out of it

Bette seems to hesitate with this question. Its as if she is trying to decide what to say or do. Tina is watching her and is beginning to get a crease in her forehead as her concern for what is going through Bettes head is developing in her mind. Bettes body gets a little rigid as she seems to come to some decision. Bette pulls a little away from Tina and stands up in front of her. Putting her hand out for Tina she waits for Tina to place her hand in hers before she pull Tina up and wraps her arms around Tina. Bette wants to looking directly into Tinas eye and Tina to be looking into hers. In the future I may need to go back it something comes up that totally takes me off stride but I think I need to make myself clear. As long as I stay centered and communicate with you. I seemed to avoid the mine fields which was my past life. I dont think you realize what a gift you give me everyday just being by my side and in my life. You know the real me, there is nothing else of me that I have that you dont know.

Tina is looking into Bettes eyes and sees all the sincerity and passion she has as she is trying to make this important point to Tina. Sensing that Bette was going somewhere with this Tina leans back viewing Bettes face intently.

After a pause and never taking her eyes off Tina, Bette continues I was going to do this later but now seems to be the appropriate moment. Tina I dont know how to express how complete you make me feel. I would exist if you were not in my life but having you in it lets me live. I mean really live a life that is full of all the things that make a life worth living. Your love for me is my saving grace, the gift from God that lets me breathe. You afford me the luxury of being me. You give me the room and space to be the real me and not an artificial me that needs to be projected as some image. You accept this me and cherish and nurture me. I want to continue to grow under your mercy and charity. I want you to know just how important being with you is to me. I know you have asked me to marry you and I have accepted but I feel that the job is only half done.

With that Bette pulls out of her jacket pocket a little box. Releasing Tina she opens the box and pulls out a beautiful platinum band. As she holds the band Bette points out the engraving on the inside. I never thought so much love could fit into something so small as this band. I have had the inside engraved with words which hold a special meaning for me My love for you Tina will always be forever in my heart. These words have always been true now, in the past and forever in the future. Will you take my ring as a symbol of my deep and abiding love for you?