Chapter 56 – My Dreams

What? Tina said cutting Bette off. Do you mean it? Really you want me to go with you? Tina asked not believing her ears.
Yeah, I mean you are helpful to me. I feel better able to stay centered when youre around and well I just think things could get a little whacky in New York, but you know if thats not something your comfortable..
I would love to go to New York with you. Tina cuts Bette off before she could ramble on any more.
Really! Bette says with some relief. Thanks
They both sensed that this was important, Tina wanting Bette to know she could rely on her and Bette knowing that Tina wanted to be involved enough to go.

They spent more quiet time in the sun until Tina stretches and decides they better mosey on. Bette are you hungry, I called yesterday and ordered from Marcellas at the Pier. Are you interested? Tina asked already knowing it was one of Bettes favorite places.
Are you kidding that would be great, we could take it out to the beach and watch the sunset as were eating. Bette says getting all excited.
Great minds. was all Tina said as she was gathering up all there stuff and heading back to the car.

Once again the Z4 was the bomb to drive. Tina felt herself getting caught up in the power of driving the car looked down and noticed she was going almost 100 MPH. Oops she slowed down, no sense in getting a ticket, as she slows the car down to 80 mph.

The drive went quickly and before either of them wanted they were at Marcellas at the Pier. It was a great time in the evening around 8:30 as there was still about 30-45 minutes of daylight before the show the sunset provided.
Tina hopped out of the car: You want to get the blanket and Ill go in and get our dinner? Tina asked. When Tina came out she knew where to go. First she had to go back to the car to pick up a little package she had in the glove compartment. Bette always liked to set up at the base of the pier so they could lean against a piling and have the best view of the sunset. Rounding under the pier was always the best spot, under here the sand was cool and the pier itself would provide a little shelter from the sun. It always felt a little more secluded and intimate despite the fact youre surrounded by hundreds of people.

Tina found Bette right where she thought she would be. Bette had the blanket all spread out, waiting for Tina. Hey I thought maybe you got lost. So what did you order for us?
Well I hope I got a few things here you might like. Tina responded sitting down on the blanket and pulling the food out of the bag. They proceed to have a great intimate dinner on the beach which was the best birthday present imaginable for Tina.

With the food gone and the sun beginning to set, Tina sat with her back leaning against the piling. She motioned for Bette to get closer. Spreading her legs: Bette come here and lean into me and well watch the sunset together. Feeling into her pocket fingering the little box.
Bette considers Tina request for only a moment, without a word moves into her. They both loved the feel of the other and the warmth that each of their bodies generated. Quietly they sat watching the sun settle into the ocean. The view was spectacular as the sun was a huge yellow/orange ball slowly moving into the blues and grays of the water. As the sun sunk further it threw off vibrant colors of orange to reds with in turn became reflected off the water almost making a complete circle of fiery colors.

As she watches the view Tina begins to talk quietly into Bettes ear: You know what the view reminds me of? she asks but not really wanting an answer. It reminds me of the new you, Bette. The fire you have in your soul that you allow so many people to see now. Before I never would have described you in tones of yellow and reds. Not that you werent passionate, I saw and felt that passion. Its just I thought of you more in terms of cool blues and grays. The orange and reds that surround the sun is the warmth you give to everyone now with your smile. I love the smile you wear everyday now. It lights up everything about you and touches anyone and everyone you meet. I love this new Bette, this beautiful picture before me. At this point Tina pauses as if trying to decide which way to go.

Bette senses that Tina is deep in thought turns to look Tina in the face. Seeing the struggle decides not to interrupt Tinas thoughts and leans back into Tina.

I feel like my life is drifting now, aimlessly wandering across the landscape. I so want to have roots again. To have a home and the security that surrounds it. I want to have so much more but I feel at such a loss at how to make it happen. I see such beautiful pictures. I know you are the artist but I really see these in my dreams. Its like the sunset here, I see you but I also see us. I see the sun and I see the two of us with such heat and passion. More than I ever imagine possible radiating out to touch our entire lives. Tina pauses again as she seems to be having difficulty talking.
Slowly she starts again: I dont know if Im making any sense here but I see many pictures, I see our home with a backyard that has kids playing in it. I see birthdays with joyful faces singing, I see tender moments of strife as we struggle to help with homework at the kitchen table, holidays dinners with a table full of friends and family. I see the comfort that only we can give each other with the little helping hands extended. With this Tina stops totally lost in her own thoughts.

Bette now turns entirely around to look only at Tina. Tina has tears running down her cheeks, still looking at the sun. Wanting to pull Tina back from her profound thoughts: Tina, please look at me. I know that you
No Bette its OK Tina cuts Bette off. Im sorry I wanted so badly today to just live in the moment with you. Tina hesitates again with her hand in her pocket and comes to a decision. Pulling her hand out of her pocket, she looks at Bette with an expression of resignation. Putting both hands on Bettes shoulders Bette, I want you to know that I love you.
I know. Bette immediately responds. But Tina put up her hand passively asking Bette to wait.
Its important for me to get this out. Bette you have done such a wonderful job of accentuating your positives and minimizing the negative. All you have accomplished has made me love you even more. You have succeeded in enhancing all the things that made me fall in love with you in the first place. I will always be here for you but as I look at what I want. I know I want you. All of you. I want to love you with my entire heart and soul. But more important I want you to do the same. I know that is possible but you are the only person that can make that happen. I had another plan for today but now I sit here with you, Bette I need you to do something for me. I know youre not there yet but I also know the only path that will get you to me is I need you to forgive yourself.

Bette heard everything Tina was saying but couldnt understand what she meant: What?
Forgive yourself. Let go of all the anger, grief, poison that was the past. Let it go and finally forgive yourself. You know I have long since forgiven you for our past. Forgiving doesnt mean forgetting. Its about healing. I know it will be hard but you can do it. Once you have forgiven yourself, then you will realize that you really are worthy of love and begin to love yourself. You need to be able to love yourself before you can love me the way I need you. The way we were meant to be wholly, entirely and unconditionally. Then I want you to come to me. Thats what Ill wait forever for.

Tina now removed her hand from Bette and leaned back. Tears were streaming down Bettes cheeks and she looked lost. Tina leaned forward again and gently kisses Bette with a tender kiss full of promise. Babe, I have to leave.
Bette still totally confused can only watch as Tina begins to leave.