I sat there considering the LA crank scene, or at least what I knew of it. There was the legit entertainment; music, magic, comedy clubs. There was the legal and semi-legit; gaming, sports betting, and late night carousing. Then you had the legal and semi-immoral; adult revues (aka titty shows), ***** clubs, strip clubs, swap clubs, and beyond-the-city-limits prostitution. All of these activities inviting the monster to their front door and beyond 24/7, remote dwellings, travel trailers, and sad little shacks going up in flames regularly, victims claimed by ether fed fire. There was crank in LA, a whole lot of it waiting for me, calling to Sadie. All that was left was to find it. Suddenly though, the days that had passed with little or no sustenance hit me in one awful instance. Luckily when Mom was sober the kitchen was well stocked, not to mention clean (thank god – No mega cockroaches allowed!). Fruit, veggies, left over roast beef, homemade bread, and hand-churned ice cream all jumped out at me. I had forgotten how good of a cook my mom was when she wasnt too busy with getting sloshed. It seemed like she had a body swap with Martha Stewart for Christ sake. I looked further; fresh salsa, chips, leftover chili, cherry pieI think I died and went to Gods grocery store in the sky. My luck ran out right after I finished pigging out because after that I really wanted a cigarette. Nicotine is a crazy addiction; I didnt even know I was hooked until I couldnt have one. No one in my house smokes; at least that youd notice, I was most definitely out of luckat least for the moment. It got worse about 3 minutes after because just about then my mom walked in. Good youre up! You looked dead to the world so I let you sleep. Are you feeling any better, you didnt look so great yesterday? She came into the kitchen and sat an armful of bags in the counter ignoring the crumbs and empty cartons I had left in my ravenous wake. I went shopping for a bathing suit; I needed one in the worst way. I got you one too, your old one is pretty ratty. She reached into the bag and pulled it out for approval. Its cute yeah? You do still like pink dont you? They had a whole bunch of those tank ones, but since youre looking so great I got a bikini instead. You like? She looked at the pink crochet as if for the first time. You may want to try it on though; you wouldnt want to show too much skin at Gregs company picnic. I looked up confused. Picnic? Yeah, he invited us to come along; itll be great Christina, youll see. I nodded my excitement non existent and then I caught sight of my t-shirt hem barely covering my little secret. Oh no, a bathing suit wasnt going to do at all. All thoughts of bad habits passed with the invading normalcy as mom and I talked about this picnic. It was a family affair, fifty computer specialists with their kids, wives, and significant others; eating, drinking, and being otherwise merry. It was at a place called Wild Waters, Ive been there a few times, one time with Colin and Bette; water slides, wave and wading pools, and beyond all things wet and wild there was mini golf, and arcade, and a bunch of different amusement park type rides. I loved going there. So why didnt it sound inviting? Everything was great, my home life was finally better, and things were as it should be, all except for me. I went to try on the damn pink bathing suit. There are few things that are quite as humbling as cinching yourself in a completely revealing bikini and standing in front of a full length reflection; you rotate like a bird on a spit trying to admire the naked truth staring blatantly back at you. I had a nice body but not finely tuned, curvaceous hips, and a cup size stalled between a B and a C; of course I looked pretty good, I could stand to loose a little more maybe, but it really wasnt a problem. That tattoo, however, was. It looked better, but still not good; a bright pink, semi-heart shaped thing, blue ink hiding somewhere beneath my skinit certainly wasnt an easy thing to hide in an itsy bitsy bikini. Band-aids were problematic at best. A little one wouldnt cover it and one of those big square ones would draw everyones attention. Besides, have you ever seen a band-aid floating in a swimming pool? Would you want to be the cause of such a disgusting thing? Even if one managed to stay on midst gallons of raging chlorinated water, what would all that wet wildness do to the just forming scab and fading infection? Still I couldnt just beg off. It was really important to my mom to establish this family thing again, and she knew how much I enjoyed things like this, so if I said I didnt want to go she would check for a fever and not finding one, it would open the door for a barrage of questions that I wasnt in any mood to answer. Ones I knew Id have to answer soon anyway. As I was thinking about my situation the phone rang, Greg now being home happily informed me, as well as my mother, that is was Dorian/Lolitawith an exaggerated ahhh on the end. I rolled my eyes and picked up the phone. Hello? Hey gorgeous, I miss you. I melted like butter at her voice. I miss you too. I cant stay on long, phone bills ya know? I was hot butter burned now. Okay. I just wanted you to know that I love you. Okay so it was a good burn. Me too, always. Lynns coming home tomorrow. Shell be okay. Make that a bad burn. Good, thats great to hear. Sadie, Ive been thinking; were a long ways apart Now I was sizzling. I know So I think maybe we should give each other permission to see other people. And now I was spattered. You want my permission? You have mine. Just ya know, think of me from time to time. Welted. I dont need your permission Dorian, and you obviously dont need mine. Well, okay then. I better go, keep in touch. I really do love you. Add another emotional scar to the collection Her idea of love certainly didnt match mine. I love you, lets see other people. It was definitely interesting sentence structure. Lynns coming home. Lets see other people. Hmm, unusual paragraph construction. I felt my face blush and tears poked my eyes, scar tissue twisted my heart, wrapping itself around arteries, closing tight around my jugular as I coughed in pain. I didnt go to Houston expecting to find love, I went to Houston because I was torn away from it. I thought it had found me there though and followed me home. I never came home expecting to loose love again in the space of one brief phone call. Is it always so short lived? Mom then knocked on my door, funny, she never knocked. Can I come in? She never asked for permission either. Hey, look, theres that word againpermission. She opened the door. We havent really got a chance to talk since you came back. She took a look at my red face, puffy and pissed, she read everything she needed to right there. Im sorry about everything that happened and for sending you there, it wasnt a great decision I know but I was so confused. I want you to know I love you for who you are and its okay with me if youre.uhmm *****. Wonderful, if she would have had this epiphany weeks ago I wouldnt be so screwed up. But I guess this isnt really a good time? I really wanted to talk, I needed to. How could I possibly talk to her though? She was my mom. I know Im your mom and Im not always easy to talk to. But Im here for you. I was ready for a big lecture, where did she come from? Why was she so nice? I want to hear all about your trip though. Let me know when you want to talk. Big girls dont cry, especially in front of their mommies, but I felt a cloud burst threatening. I hope youre hungry. Im making lasagna and garlic bread. Oh and I invited Taylor over too, you really should spend more time together. Somehow I was really hungry, I was still tired, and I was hurting (inside and out)more than ever now was the time I needed a line. Over the lasagna and garlic bread I talked about airlines, lonely seatmates, third-run movies, and pretzels for meals. I talked about Houston, bowling alley etiquette, cockroaches, and walk-ups in decidedly bad neighborhoods (of course leaving out my little nighttime foray.) With a little prodding from mom I talked about Andy, his job, lack of girlfriends, and his sadly somehow yet to mature philosophy on life. With even more prodding (and moms new acceptance of my budding sexuality) I talked about Dorian (omitting anything that could be of use to anyone interested in blackmail). Considering her recent treachery it was easy enough not to gush about her gorgeous body, wile green eyes, perfect lips, and skillful hands. And mostly because it was clearly written on my face I talked about how, despite her undying love, she had given us both permission to date other people. Taylor gave me this look like she knew there was something I wasnt saying; a whole lot more to the story. But Id never told her secrets, or at least there was never a need to, she always seemed to know. I didnt trust her completely though, not to spill something this big. So just in case, I never dared mention *****, interrupted by periods; Lynn, interrupted by drugs; or my own infatuation with the monsters spectacular rock and roll. These secrets belonged strictly in my own private closet. Wild Waters day dawned and the weather was hot, with a crystal blue sky; perfect for a say of watery fun. I slipped on my new bikini, covered the tattoo beneath a hot pink gauze wrap, and called Taylor to come along. While we were waiting in line we ran into Gavin, another long time friend who made the mistake of coming out on his 16th birthday. Of course I didnt have a problem with it, we were really close friends, and hellosort of ***** here too. But others werent as accepting. Since he outed he had been teased, humiliated, beaten, even semi-tortured by a group of cowboy wannabes who didnt have a clue about real masculinity. So here I was trying to cool at the coolest place in town, a ***** guy, a girl who could talk your ear off, and a bisexual meth head. It turned into an interesting day. Greg and Mom wandered over to the group picnic area to join the rest of the company brownnosers and to nibble. Gavin hit the wave pool while Taylor hit the bathroom; she always showered before getting in the pool. I opted for an inner-tube float along the lazy river, mostly because of the very cute lifeguard perched over head. And then there was Sadie, smiling seductively, and what do you know? The poster boy lifeguard smiled right back. And in that virtuous moment I received complete clarity. Sadie wasnt a stranger, not an invention. She was the essence of me. Whether thats good or bad I dont really know. I just know that its one hundred percent true. Sadie opens door that Tina wouldnt dare to knock on, like the cute lifeguards and especially Dorians even if that one blew up in her face. Maybe she even came about when I took the chance with Bette? Sadie insists on having things her way. So when Taylor and Gavin came trucking up, bickering and tittering and doing all of those cutesy friend type things Tina never minded. Sadie wanted to tell them to shut the ***** up and go away. Let her party. For a while though, without the monster whispering sweet and terrible things, Tina was still in charge; but Sadie was watching. Rather than face that embarrassment I told Gavin and Taylor Id meet them at the Black Widow. They looked at me, looked at what I was looking at, hard-bodied and tan on that tall tower. Taylor broke into a fit of giggles while Gavin gave me two thumbs up and a cheeky grin; then they provided me with some space. I invited Sadie to take over while Tina took cover. She bent forward from the waist, shook her dripping hair, straightened, and without on single thought to the pink puffy heart (or the artist); walked straight to the lifeguard tower, looked up, and without drooling at all asked, Do you get a lunch break? Before Sadie that never would have happened. Whatever she had done to me, for me, in spite of me; shed given me a whole new sense of self. I never knew that I could play the vamp and do it so well, flirt with total aplomb and look good doing it. Before Sadie I never knew such sheer depraved forwardness could be so much fun. Even with Bette she was always the leader, the more experiencedit was my turn to have a good time. So I went with it, jumped right in to the role of shameless flirt. Of course girls responded with pointed whispers, haughty laughter and as I once would have done, with evil eyes. Sadie could care less and thrived on the attention. Guys and maybe a few girls responded with once-overs, come-on smiles, and in Nate the lifeguards casephone numbers. As if that wasnt enough I sprinted off too look for my friends and (literally) bumped into Gwen Chase; storied bad girl at my old high school. Tina would have offered a quick apology and scurried off. But this girl was hot…and Sadie was drooling finding her glacier blue bedroom eyes and brooding demeanor a huge turn on. Hey Gwen. She offered. She scoped Sadie out like a tomcat oogling a brand new canary, Do I know you? Tina knew enough about her to think she should head for the hills. Gwen Chase could be hazardous to a persons health. You look familiar, but not, so maybe Im thinking of someone else. Whats your name? Just like that Sadie had her, if she wanted her. Her game was no less dangerous that Ms. Chases. Call me Sadie. I couldnt help but laugh internally; she snagged a guy and a girl all in the span of ten minutes. There was definitely a change. Right then three people shouted, Tina! Time to beat a face-saving retreat, I smiled and told Gwen Id catch her later. I looked and saw Mom waving for me to eat something. Greg was calling me to meet some coworkers. Taylor was and Gavin were on a water slide waving from the top. Not hungry yet, I shouted to mom; to Greg, Be there in a few. Then I joined my friends trying to think of something to talk about besides lifeguards, bad girls, and this person named Sadie growing inside of me, convincing me to be someone Id never dreamed Id want to be. You should be able to share this kind of thing with your nest friends, but I felt pretty sure theyd never relate and possibly never forgive me for trading in the tried and true for a test drive of the dark side. When Nate came by I left my friends with my family and took a walk to the back of the park all the while the eyes in the back of my head noting the envious stares. Nate noticed too, You related to those people? Pretty much. I said bumming a cigarette, and inhaled like it was the healthiest thing in the world. Isnt that kid *****? You like him? I gave him a look like he was the stupidest person Id ever met. Do you have a problem with ***** people? He looked at me, searching for something. Why? Are you? I laughed. Kind ofI like what youve got though. He smiled showing his perfectly straight pearly whites. Good, cause I like what you got too, at least what I can see. He touched my hair and made a move like he might just kiss meDamn theres my boss. Call me okay? I wondered if I could. Id always waited for boys to call me, okay well the only other boy was Kevin, and I could call Bette because she had been my best friend, but a relative stranger? By the way, beautiful, whats your name? That thing inside of me smirked satisfactorily, two in one day.amazing. I almost told him the truth, but the fantasy was better and rested completely in Sadies hands. I went home tanned and stuffed on barbeque, Greg insisted I was high on life, nicotine, and purloined beverages of the alcoholic variety. Okay so I was, but thats only because Gwen invited. Nate found us and chastised for drinking in a public place, brought us down a notch or two. Taylor dug information out of me until I was finally chest deep into ***** with my mom overhearingI was completely under when she spotted the tattoo; my meaningless forever symbol of love. Still, Sadie swore no matter the punishment that lie ahead only one thing could have made this absolute kick ***** day even better; a big bit of the monster.