Okay, so I didnt give a damnthat was until the door opened and Andy and Lynn were standing there, the fluorescent lights from the alley invading the dim atmosphere of the back room we were crouched in. I was kind of surprised, Andy looked somewhat angry, What the ***** are you up to? Lynns eyes were dark black and filled with bubbling rage, she pushed passed Andy and I could see the claws were extended, What the *****! Are you two screwin around? I looked over at Dorian and I could feel the corner of my lips threatening the beginnings of a smile, we were so obvious. Our hair was out of place, Dorians long dark tresses tossed out of place like she had been through a wind tunnel; her shirt buttons were only halfway done up, the ones that were fastened were done so in the wrong holes. Like I said, obvious, but she still denied it. Of course not. Well what then? Lynn asked, it sounded like she was going to cry which made me want to laugh even harder. I was having a ***** of a time trying to keep it together. She wanted to believe her so bad that she looked right past the blatant truth, oh well, its not like I was going to tell her. Lynn shrugged and walked into the room further taking a seat next to me. Fine then.fix me a line. Of course like the idiot that I am I took another one too. Things went from weird to worse. Dont believe me? Picture this, Im sitting in a small almost-closet-like backroom in a shady bowling alleysnorting meth with the guy that broke up my parents marriage (thus making my life *****), my kind of girlfriend, and her other girlfriend. Something was definitely wrong with this picture am I right? Not that I minded at the time, just looking back you can tell how completely fucked up it was. It loves to talk, and by it I mean the crank, meth, speed, powder, crystalwhatever you want to call it. It jumps into your head and sits on your brain, opening your mouth, making you spill all of your deepest darkest deceptions. It makes you say things youd rather not say, at least in mixed company. I was just looking around at the oddity of the situation when Andy spoke up, I shouldnt be tweakin, my boss almost caught me last time. You think shed do a line? Id love to get her into bed. Dorian replied with a quick sniff and a thumb to her nose, I so dont blame you on that one; shes definitely hot for someone my moms age. Id do heryou think shed go for a threesome? Maybe if I was a little bit more high I wouldve let that one by me, but the situation was just getting to me even more after I heard Lynns voice I couldnt take it anymore. Whoa babe, keep your pants onat least until I get you out of them. Anyway, threes definitely a crowd. If threes a crowd then four is more. I got up and headed for the door. I was praying that Dorian would get up and stop me, but I guess lust is stronger than love. Love? Oh Im too fucked up for this, but whatever. Lust is more powerful than love, and the monster is undefeatable. I was pissed. Anger trickled through my veins, sweating from my pores, bitter vinegar sweat, as I stomped out the door of the alley and into the night down the barely lit streets. I was hot, my heart was jack hammering a mile a minute beneath its cage in my chest, head to tow I was pumping fever, boiling blistered bones and brain cells. I was high. I ran through the alley pissed off and inconsolable, I turned onto the sidewalk, all anger forgotten, invincible. Five minutes after that I was scared, petrified even. Night had hung its black curtain, strewn with gold sequined street lamps, it would have actually been a beautiful sight had it been in another part of town. Here, however, cars cruised slowly checking out the tight knit groups peppering the dark sidewalks, crowding alleys and doorways. Color was everything, skin, hair, clothes; fair-skinned and golden hairI stood out like a moped at a Harley rally. I thought I knew the way home when I flew out in a rage, but it all looked different at night, like everything usually does cast in darkness. The buzzing in my head was putting a sparkle behind my eyes that made everything seem shiny, it definitely wasnt helping any. It wasnt like psychedelic, more like my eyes were speeding like the rest of me, I had no idea where to focus except on the points of light along the street in the dark. Whatever, I was completely disoriented. I tried to figure out which way to go, I turned one way and I thought it might be it, but then I turned another way and it looked exactly the same. *****. As I practically spun in circles, three guys in black and silver jackets semi-circled me. Again I say, *****. Hey baby, can we help wit somethin? I tried to play it off, act cool, and try to sound tough. I asked if I could get a smoke. Sure, gorgeous. Anything you want. I took the cigarette and bummed a light, mumbling a quiet thanks I went to walk away until one of them grabbed my arm by the elbow. Hey, where ya going? Ya aint in a hurry are ya? They werent big, not football players or anything, but I was outnumbered and I could definitely feel it. Another guy piped up, Really! What kinda thanks is that? Their little circle tightened and moved me back away from the safety and open-ness of the street. I remember I felt like I was being preyed on a group of animals, they all looked the same; matching jackets, same haircuts, same skin, same look in their eyes. You sure are fine. The guy still had my arm in his sweaty hand, my head was still pounding with my heart and I was still seeing sparkles. I tried to think but my brain moved to fast to process one thought alone and my eyes gave it away, they noticed. Yo, shes speedin! I think it got them even more excited, it was license enough for them. Their bodies bumped together as the crowded me into a doorway and blocked my escape, I tried so hard to process some semblance of a thought, I know theres something in my head that I learned for this kind of a situation. I watched Oprah a few timesI should get somethingI wanted to laugh.thats all I felt, laugh at how damn scared I was. Ever done a three-fer? Youre gonna love it. And then I felt sick. Hands covered my mouth roughly, arms grabbed my wrists and held them to tightly, fingers tore at my clothes too viciously. Fear was dancing up my spine and jolted my brain, dripping common sense over the haze of drugs. I heard buttons clinking as the plastic hit concrete, feet kicking, and zippers sliding open. I screamed onto dirty flesh and squeezed my eyes shut, clenching my teeth I braced for pain. And then I heard a familiar voice, rough but unmistakably feminine. Hey guys, watcha doin? The three stood straightened up and looked at Dorian, more like leered. I guess they though two on three would be more fun, Why? Wanna join the party? Dorian rolled her eyes. Not really, she said pointing to a black and white a block away and closing, besides, you do know what they do to rapists in prison right? The three guys took a look at the approaching cruiser and quickly made their exit, three silver and black jackets fading like a nightmare into the street. Dorian jogged over to me and wrapped her arms around me, kissing my sobs and calmed my shaking. Dont cry Sadie, youre okay now. The patrol car slowed and rolled down its window inquiring. I was glad Dorian was there, I was still buzzed, and she kept me straight. I dug deep down for a smile and waved the officer away. Come on, lets go home. I held onto her hand tightly all the way home, like a paranoid kitten. Andy wasnt there, most likely bowling off his buzz so I asked her to come in. We stayed up practically all night talking about everythingwell I dont really remember, I struggle to actually list the topics of conversation. There was my new appreciation for girls (she said she always knew she was *****), college (she didnt plan on going), LA (Houston), my drunk mom (her drunk mom), my dad and his new family (her dad and his prison sentence), my dead little brother (her dead older sister), We talked about Lolita and Sadie, we talked about Dorian and Tina, we talked about love. Dawn broke and so did the rain. We kissed again, for about the millionth time, her lips brushing against mine, feathery light. It wasnt about promises or demands, more about rebuilding a trust that had been broken, she got upset when she found out I lied about my name, but then I said it and she responded, I love you too. And I got sucked incompletely. It was around that time that Andy stumbled in looking like his high had clearly boogied off with the night. You still up? I thought it was a joke, I was really supposed to go to sleep this wired? Flying high? You should get some sleep. I sighed and looked at Dorian who smiled and nodded, we got up and I walked her to the door, kissed her again and promised Id come by later. After I shut the door I turned around and saw Andy leaning against his bedroom door with a grin plastered on his face. You two didnt do anything I wouldnt do, did ya? I gave him the most evil stare I had and he went off to bed. I lay on the couch and closed my eyes letting things rush back to me. I missed Bette, her smile, her voice, her laugh, the way she would touch me so softly, the way she knew mebut here it was different. I was different, I could be free, no one knew me so I could be who I wanted. The previous night was exhilarating, it rocked my mind, I reached unimaginable heights. It was depressing knowing that when I left Dorian would still be here. She would probably downplay good times, forgetting the best, remembering the worst. Shed act like I never entered her life, never existed, shed toss away tomorrows and tumble headlong into old routines. Shed act like she never told me she loved me. I wondered if she told Lynn she loved her. And I was supposed to sleep? Thoughts were bulleting though my head and ricocheting from the creative side to the practical side, lustful half to hateful halfsleep my *****. I rolled off the couch and located some cleanser and a sponge. I scrubbed the bathroom and washed the dishesI waxed the ***** kitchen floor. I wrote a four page letter to my mom, telling her how much shed hurt me, I told her I was in lovewith another girl, that I was ***** and she was going to accept it or loose another child. I told her this was all her fault. I went to the bathroom, listened to my stomach growlI figured I should eat something, but the though made me want to heave. I settled for a beer. Heyit was the only thing in the fridge to drink. But it went down good enough so I had anotherand then another. After the fourth there was nothing left to write, nothing left to clean, so I turned on the TV. Thank god for Jerry Springer marathons filled with pitiful people whose lives were considerably worse than mineat least Im not sleeping with my sisterIts hard to believe that the world can be that screwed up. I needed food and sleep, but the monster denied it me both. The only thing it gave me was the ability to play wasted couch potatomore than I ever got to do at home at least. With the fading speed buzz and escalating level of alcohol I could barely sit uprightso I didnt. I was used up, burnt out, a sea filled with confused synapses, where your eyes cant focus and your brain cant function. Somewhere between the transvestite who slept with his (her?) mothers boyfriend and the perky blond (transvestite) on the evening news weather, I feel asleep. Not just asleep, everything shut down, my head was like a ghost town, deep sleeping and dream-free. I woke up to a pounding in the door the insistent vibration bringing unwelcome noise. Sadie, you there? For some reason she still didnt call me Tina, which I was fine with. I opened my eyes to the late afternoon sun spying though the cracks in the blinds. Its me. Open up. I rubbed my eyes wondering how long I had slept, it only felt like a few short hours. Come on, I need to talk to you. I looked over at the clock on the TV, ok so it was a little more than a few hourstwenty to be exact. Please Sadie. The tone of her voice snapped me out of my waking haze. Yea hang on a sec. She kept talking through the door. Something happened, there was an accident. I jumped up quickly, my mouth tasted like dead speed, dying beer, and foreboding; I grabbed for the mouthwash out of the bathroom, forgetting the unsteadiness of legs not used for almost 24 hours. I wanted to confront the fear in her voice, to see what happened, why she sounded guilty. But I got sidetracked my the mirror, who the ***** was looking back at me? It wasnt Sadie, and definitely wasnt Tina; some evil incarnation glared through the glass, a red-eyed crone. I think she came from a dark dementia, nightmares to come that were lurking, planting seeds inside me. I filled the sink with freezing cold water and dunked my entire head under; counting to ten I came up gasping and repeated the process. I came up again and she had disappeared, retreated, still close to the surface but she was far enough that I could now get to the door. Her eyes were clouded over, no longer vibrant green but gray. She stumbled in and tumbled against me, clutching onto me like a scared little girl. Shes hurtreally bad. She said staring at the floor. I stroked her back and we sat on the couch. Who? Lynn. What? What happened? She fell, or jumpeduh, off the balcony. OhWhen? Yesterday. Where? Right outside. I wasnt going to ask why. I didnt want or need that guilt, I didnt like the girl, but I wouldnt want her to die. More for Dorian than her, is that mean? Oh well. I let her cry on meand then she told me anyway. She came home from the bowling alley and went looking for me, found me here with you. When I was leaving, she saw me kiss you, saw me touch you; she heard us joking and laughing earlier inside and waited for me to come out. She said she wanted to talk, or she said she wanted to get you out of my heart, out of my head. I told her she couldnt. She was still pretty buzzed, she looked crazy mad, like a diseased animal. She spit her word at me, she swore shes back at meat you. The next thing I know shes on the sidewalk, still, blood running from her head. The cops said it was an accident, that she tripped or leaned over to far or something, they knew she was cranked. I wanna believe thats what happened, but I dont think it is. God, I never saw it coming. I didnt think she wouldve, I couldve stopped herright? My head was doing flips and my heart picked up speed, the natural kind. I tried to drown the guilt, but the bile rose up anyway. Im so sorry, I whispered, I actually was too. Hold me. I wrapped my arms around her and held her as tight as I could. Her hot tears were burning into my neck along with her warm burst of air as she sobbed. Its not your fault, I said as I smoothed invisible wrinkles in her shirt. Whose is it then? She asked through her tears. The answer seemed obvious and it was hanging over both our heads like a big fat dark could waiting to burst. Mine. Dont say thatIt isnt your fault. I pictured Lynn, her golden eyed stare crumpled against cracked cement. Whose fault is it then? Theres plenty of blame to go around. There was so much truth in such a simple statement. I hadnt heard a thing. Dead to the world for twenty hours. We sat on the couch, our limbs tangled in each others, legs wrapped around hips, arms around waists. We were a knot of emotions desperate for some sort of release. The more we kissed though, hot lips on even hotter body parts, the more confused we were. She told me she loved me. She told me she loved her. She loved her first. She loved me now. I told her everything. I loved herI loved another, but now I loved her. I hated her for loving Lynn, but I loved her for still loving Lynn too. She told me she needed me, wanted me, but she needed to see her, tell her she still loved her. I wanted her, needed her. I wanted Dorian to forget her, but I needed her to be able to tell Lynn she loved her too. When she asked me to go along, some masochistic force inside me agreed.