After taking a quick shower I pulled on a pair of dark blue jeans and a black low cut tank top. Hey it didnt hurt to try to make Bettes eyes pop right? Bending down I dug through my bag for my toothbrush and makeup, not finding it in the main compartment I unzipped a pocket to the side and stuck my hand in. Fumbling around I pulled out the square of tinfoil and my breathe caught in my throat, blood pumping in my ears. I thought I had gotten rid of it all after Evan was bornI guess I was wrong. All nervousness about tonight, about seeing Bette and being with her for the next week or so flew out of my head. Instead I was bombarded with excitement, adrenaline, anxiousness. It hit me so fast that my head was swimming. I sat on the edge of the hotel bed, the rough blankets rustling beneath me as I flipped the foil through my fingers. No doubt that I was tempted, more than tempted, it seemed like a logical way to chill outwell, to forget at least. One tiny snort and all would be forgotten, I could have a good time with Bette at the club, and tomorrowtomorrow I can start over and tell her everything. Tomorrow I can think about being a mom, a daughter, a girlfriend.a person. Tonight I could be without feeling or focus, wild abandon, pure freedom in my veins. Time moved slowly sitting there in the dim light of the hotel, at one point I unfolded the packet and started at the yellowish semi-powder pushing it with my finger. Folding it back up I stood and ran my fingers through my wet hair and massaged my temples. I dont know what the ***** Im doing here, why I left my kid, why Bette even cares anymore. Why do I even care anymore? It would be so easy to just disappear right now. I dont have to see Bette, she knows Im okay now. I have a car, I have cash and a bag of clothes.Frustrated I kicked the nightstand with my boot covered foot. It comes down to fight or flight I guess. Do I stay and fight for Bette, for a possible future with her and my sonif she doesnt freak out. Or, do I leaveright now, no looking back; I could take the meth I found, do all of it and leave. I cursed to the empty room and stuffed the tin into my pocket without thinking about it. Switching the light off I grabbed my denim jacket, slung my bag over my shoulder and headed out the door and to my car. A little while later I pulled back into Bettes driveway. I grabbed my bag and headed up the steps knocking lightly. I stood there for a good five minutes and then twisted the ***** and pushed the door open, calling out, Bette? I looked around and not finding her I made my way up the steps. As soon as I turned the corner I saw her standing in the bathroom and felt a stupid smile form on my face. Leaning against the doorframe I took in the perfection that was Bette Porter in nothing but a towel. She was leaning against the sink looking in the mirror and applying makeupdont ask me, I never understood why she put her makeup on first either. As she finished applying her eyeliner she looked down to find the next cosmetic to be applied, and saw me standing there. Jesus Tinayou scared the ***** out of me. I smiled at her as she clung to the towel. Sorry. I was just enjoying the view. I saw her eyebrows go up as she blushed almost unnoticeably. Its okay, I just didnt hear you come in. I nodded and moved behind her so I could watch her in the mirror as I leant against the wall. I remember the countless times that I had assumed this position in high school, waiting for Bette to finish getting ready for a night out. We could sit in the bathroom for hours talking as we fixed each others makeup and hair, getting dressed and undressed as we decided what looked good and what didnt. Of course when we started dating the undressing was followed by a much more enjoyable exercise than redressing. Snapping out of my thoughts I realize the uncomfortable silence that swept over us. Clearing my throat I play with the buttons on my jacket while I think of something to say. So uh, hows school going? Her eyes focused on my own in the mirror and then looked away. Good. How about you? Are you even in school? The way she said it made it sound so condescending that I had the urge to shake her, or kiss her, or collapse into her and crytell her everything. How good would it feel to let every little dark secret out, every thought Ive had since she left, or I left. She was the only person I could trust not to think I was insane, or maybe she would. Im definitely not the same person I used to be. Or am I? Maybe she saw this person deep down, and I just missed it. Whatever the options were I didnt want to think about them right now so I gathered my dignity and answered. I went last yearI started this year but I had to drop out. Her brow furrowed and I knew the silent question she was asking. Im finethere were just some issues I needed to Tee, thats the second time tonight you said that, are you going to tell me what the issue was? Or do I have to guess? I rolled my eyes at her. Can we not right now Bette? I promise later we can go through the whole catching up thing. Fine. Again we fell into a silence. Before I could break it she walked out of the bathroom. Ill get changed and we can go. Meet me downstairs. Sure. I said, making my way back down the steps. Moments later she was standing in front of me smiling. So, how do I look? She did a little twirl and I took in the black jeans she wore like a second skin, and a black top that left little to the imagination. Wow, I said standing up. Things just came rushing back then, the first time we kissed on my roof, the first time we made love, although afterwards wasnt so great when I hightailed it. Right in that moment I realized fully what I had missed by not finding Bette when I came home. I missed an opportunity for more firsts. Instead I chose to get so wrapped up in what I thought was love for Dorian, look where that led me So I stand her, with my best friend, my ex, in front of me. The missing piece of my life, of my heart, and I mustve been getting teary-eyed because now she looks concerned and takes a step closer to me. Tina? Are you okay? I nod wiping my eyes before tears get a chance to fall. You have no idea how much Ive needed you in the past year Bette. She looks sad now, like it was her fault. I rush to tell her otherwise. And Im an ***** for not realizing it sooner. Youre probably the one person who couldve helped me make sense of everything that was happening. I just wish I wasnt so stupid. I look down, half embarrassed; half scared of what shes going to say. Instead I feel her step closer to me, invading my space.I didnt mind. She pushes my shin up lightly to look at me and runs her thumb over my cheek to catch a falling tear. We usually dont realize whats good for us until we dont have it anymore. You have no idea how much I missed you Tina. I dont get why you avoided me, but I want to know. She looked at the clock and exhaled. Later though, Carmen will be pissed if I dont show. Okay. She looks at me like shes trying to judge if I will actually tell her whats been going on. I smile and she gives me a small smile back before she turns and we walk out the door. The little hope that was given to me by Bettes words earlier, was smashed when her and Carmen were dancing closely hours after we got to the club. Carmen had finished her set and came over to where Bette and I were sitting, asking her to dance. Bette smiled and accepted telling me that she would be right back as I contained a jealous glare. Its not like I had the right to be angry. She wasnt mine anymore. As I give the couple another glance I really feel like Im going to be sick, I hate seeing her with someone else, it was too much. The whole scene was becoming too much. The music blasting and bouncing in between my ears, smoke was hanging in a dense fog that permeated everything, coupled with the smell of sweat and the musk of *****. My head filled with tension and I pressed my close eyelids to relieve it. It didnt work. Standing up I make my way to the bathroom where it will hopefully be more quiet, pushing the door open my nostrils are assailed with the smell of disinfectant soap, and it burns. Looking into the mirror, inadvertently I begin to make a self assessment and compare myself to Carmen. I finger my blonde wavy tresses and high cheekbones, I run my fingers over my lips and chinIm definitely not unattractive, but theres something in my eyes I dont like. It feels like theres someone else staring at me out of my body, the thought scares me because there very well may be. I need to get rid of that look, those eyes. My fingers slipped into my pocket and slipped the tinny onto the counter. I took off the rubber band that was around the tiny bundle and slipped it onto my wrist. Unfolding the tin I put it flat on the counter and picked up the piece of a straw that was with it. I try to think about what Im about to do, but it seems a logical solution to the moment as I hold the cutoff straw to my nose and breathe in deeply. Bette looks around over Carmens shoulder as theyre dancing. Carmen catches her eyeing the room and gives her a knowing smirk. She went to the bathroom, I saw her get up a couple minutes ago. Feigning ignorance Bette asked, Who? Who my *****, you havent stopped thinking about her since you moved out here, I dont think an hour of dancing with me has changed that. Bette sighs, knowing she cant hide her thoughts from the other girl. I dont know what to do thoughshe so right therebut somethings different and shes not saying anything. Carmen rolls her eyes. Then ask her about it She laughs and pushes Bette away from her lightly. Go now while shes cornered. Bette mouths a thank you, and pushes through the crowd to the restrooms. I dont stop until I have one final bump left in the tinfoil. I pull myself so Im standing straight and I look into the mirror again, happier with what I see although my eyes and brain are no longer working in conjunction. I know what Im seeing but my brain doesnt process fast enough, I look down and decide to finish off the rest of the rest, no sense in letting it waste. As I crouch back down, my knees slightly bent and take the rest of the hit I let myself fall onto my backside. Sitting with my ***** on the dirty linoleum and my head against the wall I listened to the music being pumped through the speakers. I didnt notice it when I first came in, now my body was humming with it. Kindred spirits. I could feel the colorful waves floating in my head, different notes, different colors and lights. I wiped my nose with my sleeve and closed my eyes smiling, I looked over when the door opened and Bette walked in. She spotted my slouched against the sticky bathroom wall and almost dropped to her kneed next to me, but doesnt, Bette Porter is too good to be in the dirt.unlike me. Bette walked through the door and stopped dead. Tina was slouched against the bathroom wall her head turned slightly towards Bette. Her eyes were glassy and her nose was red, at first glance Bette thought she was crying so she crouched down next to her, it wasnt until Tinas eyes met her own that Bette knew she was on something. Looking around she tried to check for what Tina did and saw the empty tin on the counter. Tina noticed Bettes eyes tick over to the counter and panicked. Hey Bette, she said trying to stand as she braced herself against the wall. Bette stood up as well and watched as Tina walked to the counter and crumpled the foil. She walked over to her blond ex and stood next to her. What the ***** is going on Tina? Nothing, I just needed a breather. A breather? Do you think Im stupid Tee? Youre ***** flying. She watched Tinas fingers tap a speedy rhythm on her thigh before her eyes grew darker and she looked at Bette. ***** you Bette you dont know me. Startled for a moment Bette watched as Tina turned away from looking in the mirror to face her. Youre right I dont know you now. She grabbed Tinas arm and turned her back towards the mirror. I have no ***** clue who that is, Tina turned her head not looking at her reflection. No Tina, look. Bette grabbed her chin and turned her head back to the glass. That isnt the Tina that I love Smacking Bettes hand away Tina moved towards the door but stopped and turned around furious. Youre rightshe doesnt exist anymore. Im not that weak little girl anymore and what? You dont like it? ***** you Bette Porter, with your perfect life and your perfect parents, your perfect face and bodyand your stupid perfect ***** DJ girlfriend. Tina turned around and opened the door making her way through the sweating mass of dancing people. She wanted to stop and be with them, to dance away her thoughts, she could go all night now and nothing could stop her. But no doubt Bette was going to follow her, so instead, she made her way to the exit and stepped out onto the dark street letting the cool air prickle her skinmaking her feel alive. She looked from left to right, not knowing which way to go, picking left she turned and kept walking.