Bette :Tina I cannot go in there with you right now. I point at the bedroom as I speak. Tina is looking at me like I have gone crazy, almost incredulous, like my one and only chance presented itself and I blew it. I hastily add : Tina, I would love to, uh.I really think there things we need to sort out before. My sentence trails off unfinished. I realize I am standing there in this stupid blanket, how can one take me seriously ? Tina please let me get dressed there are some things I need to tell you. Tina looks almost relieved and I dont understand why but she is not crying or screaming so I take that as an indication that I should dress. I grab my clothes, scoot past her and close the door to the bedroom, leaving her standing there. I sit on the bed and sigh, I run my hand over it, asking what if I had come in here with her ? Would it have everything OK ? I guess deep down I know the answer or I would have gone in here with her. I take my time in the hope the alcohol has completely worn off or is at least wearing off. I look out the big windows and see the rain still falling. There are no stars because of the cloud cover. I put my hand on the door ***** and say a silent prayer that I can go to this woman and giver her what she deserves. I can give her explanations and excuses but I understand now, I hope that what Tina wants is me. This time I am prepared to tell her how I feel, really feel. Not that I lied previously but that I tainted it with what I thought she wanted to hear. Now I am prepared to do the hard work, to be honest with her and if she does not want me after all is said and done, she does not want me. Before I open the door I look around, I feel an unease for the first time in this place like, somehow I made the right decision to not come in here and sleep with Tina, my Tee, that would have been so easy. I catch sight out the window that the rain has stopped, it is still cloudy and cold. I open the door. It is now or never because we are both worn down and if she leaves in the morning, it is over, that much I know. For the first time in my life I put my heart on my sleeve and hope that the woman who is mad as ***** with me, wants to take that heart into her hand. I walk out the door.
Tina : Bette, what is going on ?
Bette : Tina, can we make a coffee (I need it to help clear my head) and sit out side. There are some things I need to tell you.
Tina : (looks confused). Sure.
I make the coffee, decaf for Tina of course and we sit ourselves at the chairs we ate dinner on not so long ago. I look out at the water and it is dark and surly, the clouds are slowly moving on. I take my time before I speak, I know Tina is impatient.
Bette : Tina, there are some things I need to tell you. All I am asking is that you hear me out, then, in return I will listen to anything you wish to say to me. If after that you wish to leave in the morning I will call my lawyer and tell him to process the papers we had drawn up. I know I am taking a chance, after all what could I say to this woman I hadnt already said but I had to make her believe I was serious
Tina : OK Bette, deal. (Tina smiles in the dark, a bit of the old in control Bette rears its head)
Bette : I move my chair so that I am sitting opposite Tina. I take both her hands in mine, I look straight into her eyes. I do not hesitate. Tina, I do not want what we had in the last few months of our relationship for us. I do not want us to go on hurting each other. I want to tell you all the things I should have told you, the fears and hopes I should have shared with you and the fears and hopes I have for the future, our future Tee, together. I pause, waiting to see if I get a visual cue.
Tina : (Looks past me out to the sea, which I now have my back to, like it might tell her whether she should listen to me or not). Finally, Im listening.
Bette : Tina, the day we met was the second best day of life, second only to the day you married me. I love you as much now as I did back then, even more. I know I have not shown it well. I do not want to blame you for the things I did. I accept responsibility for my actions. I made, Tina, a terrible mistake, one that I do not blame you for being angry with me for. But before I made that mistake I think it is fair to say we both made mistakes in the last few months leading up to that. I so wanted our baby Tina, but I was so scared that I couldnt support our family financially, that I would not be a good parent, that I was falling out of love with you. I am not saying these things to hurt you, I just want to be honest with you, totally honest. I slept with Candace more than twice but it was only twice while we were together. Tina, I feel so lost without you in my life. I have only felt that lost one other time, that was when you lost the baby and felt you shut me out. I was so devastated but I couldnt express it or reach you and it felt like you didnt want me to reach you. Tina I want a better future, for us, for our family. I want to be a parent, I want you to be my wife. We will work on the things that went wrong, go to counseling if we need to. We will make sure things are different. Tina I promise you what happened with Candace will NEVER happen again. I am so sorry Tee. I will answer your questions sincerely and openly. Will you give me a second chance I barely deserve. Please talk to me and if we cannot resolve anything I will not stand in your way. Tee, what do you say ?.
The whole time I have been talking I have not let my eyes leave hers, when she looked away, I followed her eyes. I never let go of her hands. Now I sit and wait for the answer that will determine the way the rest of my life goes.
Tina Bette. She trails off. Tina stands and moves past me looking out at the sea. The words play over in mind. Have I left it too late to go to her, to be with her ?