Chapter 8

The usual hectic workday morning began with the alarm blaring at 6:30. As always, the alarm was silenced with a forceful slap of Bette’s hand on the clock, and both Bette and Tina moaning in disapproval of being forced to begin their day before they were ready.

“I hate working,” Tina grumbled as she stretched and worked to open her eyes. “Do you ever think they’ll be a day when we won’t have to work?”

“Win the Lotto,” Bette mumbled with her eyes still closed. “Keep me kept in the style I’m accustomed to.”

“Screw that, I’d keep us in the style I want to become accustomed to.”

Bette opened one eye to glare at Tina, who was now sitting up and smiling with a twinkle in her eye.

“You better go to work then!”

Both women looked at the door in surprise when they heard banging, which sounded distinctly like pots being dropped on the floor.

“She’s really not cooking breakfast is she?” Bette asked as she got up from bed. “I’m not sure my arteries can take anymore butter.”

“We have to be at work soon, so we don’t have a lot of time to eat. I already told her that last night when she begged to come to work.”

“Pat Sajak, I remember the conversation well,” Bette got up and began to stretch as she walked toward the bathroom. “Seriously I think your mom would add butter to her cereal if she ate it.”

Tina threw a pillow at Bette’s head as she had made it across the room and was just crossing the threshold into the bathroom. Bette laughed when it bounced off her shoulder and fell at her feet. She looked back at Tina who winked at her, but then quickly admonished herself silently for throwing her favorite pillow instead of one of Bette’s.

“If I have another 10 minutes to sleep can you throw me back my pillow?”

“Not a chance in hell,” Bette smiled as she stepped over it. “It’s the price you pay for throwing it at me.”

Tina pouted while she listened to Bette turn on the shower and begin her morning routine, leaving her alone. She laid her head back on Bette’s pillows and then quickly picked one up, pounding her fist into it.

“These are lumpy!”

“Not as lumpy as your ass will be if you don’t get up and start running soon!” Alice said as she burst through the door and sat on the corner of the bed. “Mornin’ Luuuuuuuucy.”

“Lu – what?”

“You know, Lucille Ball, the crazy redhead that gets herself into all kinds of trouble.”

“I know who she is,” Tina said shaking her head. “I’m confused as to why I’m being called Lucille Ball.”

“Would you rather me go back to calling you Daisy Duke?”

“I’d rather you tell me why you are here so early and sitting on my bed.”

“I’ve been awful to your cousin,” Alice admitted. “I’m here to drop it in your lap so you can fix it.”

“Fix it?”

“I’m miserable,” Alice said. “We fought.”

“Why would you fight?”

“Because I’m jealous of this woman she’s seeing,” Alice blurted out. “I can’t seem to get her out of my mind and she’s hardly made any time for us at all.”

“So what did you say?”

“Short or long version?”

“Whichever,” Tina said as arched her eyebrow in Alice’s direction. “Spill it.”

“I said I hoped that the flight attendant spilled scalding coffee on her lap when she goes home.”

Tina sighed and opened her mouth to speak, but Alice continued.

“I might have also said, only when she called me jealous, that I hoped the drug dogs bite her in the airport when really she only deserves a little nip.”

The door opened once more and Donna stood there with a cheery smile on her face. She folded her arms and stared at Alice and Tina lying in bed talking.

“Breakfast is ready Button.”

“I’ll be right there Mom,” Tina said shooting a disapproving look in Alice’s direction. “By the way Mom, you look amazing in that outfit.”

“I thought what better place to wear it then to your office,” Donna smiled. “If we run into any stars I want to make an impression.”

“Some of your sweatshirts would do just that,” Alice winced as Tina’s elbow connected with her ribs. “I would have chosen the cat sweatshirt.”

“Which one Darlin’?”

“The one that has the cats embroidered on it,” Alice laughed. “Ya know, the one that says ‘my grandchildren are positively purrfect’. That makes a big statement.”

“That was one of Betty Sue’s more popular ones,” Donna said. “I had to model it for the church catalog because red really is my color. So what were ya’ll talkin’ about anyway? It looked rather serious.”

“We were talking about the voodoo wishes Alice put on Natalie for seeing some woman here instead of making time for her.”

“Oh we’ve all been there,” Donna said kindly.

“I’m sure you haven’t been!”

“Oh,” Donna laughed. “You’d be surprised at some of the things I’ve said to your father in anger. But, you get used to apologizing.”

“I have a hard time believing that you and Daddy ever fight.”

“Are we eating or what?” Jackie said as she stormed into the bedroom. “Oh, it looks like we’re talking!”

She ran and jumped on the bed, smiling as Tina began to laugh, and offered her more space next to her.

“What’s the topic?”

“Apologizing for things,” Donna said. “In a relationship where things aren’t perfect.”

“Oh I’ve had to do some apologizing!” Jackie laughed. “The last one was ‘I’m sorry for the nasty things I said about your mother even through we both know they’re true’. I didn’t want to give him more of an edge by admitting some of them weren’t true.”

“That’s not as bad as what I said,” Alice admitted feeling awful at the fight she had with Natalie.

The bathroom door opened and Bette emerged dressed and towel drying her hair. She looked rather confused at the group of women that were currently in her bed smiling at her.

“Am I missing something?” Bette asked hesitantly as she messed her hair up with her fingers to get it to curl.

“We’re counseling Alice about Natalie.”

“What did you do?” Bette shot Alice a stern look.

“We argued. I’m jealous so I said a few mean things.”

“What were they?” Jackie asked. “We know Natalie really well and we’re meeting up with her for lunch today near Tina’s work so maybe we can help mend things.”

“Basically I said that I hoped hot coffee got spilled on her on the way home and that the marijuana dogs nip her in the ass.”

“Shoot Darlin’, that’s nothin’,” Donna analyzed the situation. “We can work with this.”

“You’ve said worse to Daddy?” Tina sounded shocked.

“Have I? Lordy,” Donna laughed. “Let’s see. I once told him, after he had decided that it was best to spring it on me that he was leaving for a long weekend with his friends, that I hoped the cable in the elevator at his work snapped when he stepped into it.”

“Oh I told Kevin once that I hoped the bus hit him and made a pancake out of him.”

“Nothing says sorry like a little sugah,” Donna smiled. “Fights aren’t always a bad thing Ladies.”

“Please tell me you didn’t offer Daddy a piece of gum?” Jackie said feeling the blush creep up to her cheeks.

“I remember those Hubba Bubba nights,” Tina laughed. “I prayed you’d stop early so we could get some sleep.”

“I’m not hearing this,” Bette said closing her eyes. “It’s a dream Porter, a nightmare, you aren’t really here.”

“So much for nice southern belles.” Alice smiled and wiggled her eyebrows. “I’d love to get me some Big League Chew!”

“This is so wrong on so many different levels,” Bette said still being ignored.

“If you want Big League Chew you have to be a major league player and make it up to Natalie,” Tina continued. “Romance, candles….”

“A little somethin’ somethin’,” Alice completed Tina’s thought.

“Exactly!”

“Whoa,” Alice looked between Bette and Tina as they stared at one another. “Was that the whole ‘unmasking a stranger’ thing? So who did what? Who had to make up for what? Tina, what did you do?”

“We’re not doing this,” Bette insisted. “We are not going back to discussing Harlequin novels.”

“But it may help me!”

“Then that is my cue to quickly go to work,” Bette stammered as she slipped her feet into her heels.

“You can’t leave,” Alice whined. “Natalie is still mad at me and I have no idea how to make her not mad at me.”

“The good news is that Kennard women don’t hold grudges,” Tina said. “Once we get an apology we let it go with the wind.”

Tina looked up shocked when Bette, searching for her suit coat, scoffed at her statement.

“That will likely be the funniest thing I’ll hear today,” Bette smiled as she put her coat on. “I can remember you telling me when I was leaving for business trip that you didn’t want me to go on that you hoped that I got slightly sick from radiation poisoning from the metal detectors at the airport!”

“I didn’t wish more than a little sickness as a reminder,” Tina winked at her wife. “Give me some credit, I love you! I believe, if you’ll remember, I more than made it up to you when you got home.”

“Candles?” Alice asked enjoying watching Bette squirm.

“Wine?” Jackie added.

“Oysters?” Alice asked back with a smile. “I even remember how much you love those.”

“Aren’t those reserved as an aphrodisiac?” Donna asked.

“They are when they are paired with a little black nightie,” Tina smiled.

“I’m now officially leaving,” Bette announced avoiding all eye contact with the group.

She grabbed her cell phone from the nightstand near her side of the bed when she felt Tina’s hand on the back of her thigh. Tina ran her hand up and down Bette’s thigh as she continued the discussion.

“A black nightie with a favorite flavor of body butter,” Tina continued.

“Oh I read about body butter in the lesbian book I borrowed before ya’ll came to visit!” Donna shrieked as she clapped her hands excitedly.

“Is that window locked?” Bette asked clearly being ignored.

“Body butter is good,” Alice said. “But my personal preference is motion lotion.”

“What is that?” Donna asked.

“It’s lotion that a guy puts on his….”

“Twig and berries?”

“Exactly Mom,” Alice snickered at the shocked look on Bette’s face. “If you get the flavored kind…”

“And go exploring in the woods…”

“God I want to hurl myself out the window!” Bette said forcefully. “I’m leaving for work.”

“Speaking of,” Donna looked at the clock. “You need to get ready Button. We don’t want to make you late for work since we’ll be taking up some of your day getting a tour.”

Bette quickly kissed Tina and began to say goodbye to everyone else when Donna interrupted by grabbing her hand before she turned to walk out of the bedroom.

“Sugah, you can’t leave without eating breakfast!” Donna shrieked. “You also can’t leave the house with wet hair, you’ll catch a cold as sure as I’m standing here.”

“I’ll grab a coffee on the way in,” Bette began to explain. “And it’s humid as hell out there, I’ve never caught a cold from letting my hair air dry when I drive to work with the top down.”

“Fiddlesticks! You’ll grab a nice nutritious breakfast since it’s the most important meal of the day. I’ll bend on the hair thing in return for you eating some eggs and grits. I also made toast and pancakes.”

“Breakfast really is the most important thing you can eat,” Jackie urged.

“She does know she’s talkin’ to lesbians right?” Alice mumbled to Tina. “I can tell her a few other things that are worth eating.”

“You’re so wrong,” Tina smiled while shaking her head. “Just so wrong Alice.”

“But this is why you love me and will talk to your cousin.”

“If I promise to talk to her will you leave and go to work?”

“If by ‘going to work’ you mean hanging out at The Planet and gossiping about you,” Alice smiled. “Then yes I will go to work if you fix this with Natalie.”

“Done,” Tina said confidently. “Now go.”

When Alice got up to leave, Bette made a point of walking out with her and quickly getting into her car. She waved as Alice yelled at her that she had forgotten to eat, started her car, and left before she was caught having skipped breakfast. Bette felt completely on edge, memories flooded her mind of the night she came home from the business trip that Tina didn’t want her to go on. Tina was lying in the middle of their bed, in a black nightie that barely covered up the important parts.

“Don’t go there Bette,” Bette spoke to herself as she waited for a light to turn green. “There will be no more of that while the Kennards are here. I don’t care if there is a stranger or not, nobody will be unmasked for the next few days.”

The light turned green and Bette continued her journey to work. She smiled when her phone buzzed to alert her that she had an incoming text. She flipped the phone open and saw that it was from Tina.

‘Nice escape from breakfast, now I have to eat for two.’

Bette laughed as she pulled into her parking spot at the gallery. She quickly grabbed her briefcase and headed inside, bringing her computer to life and logging onto the Internet. Bette wanted to ensure that her message back to Tina was a simple payback for the torturous morning she had endured at the hand of her wife.

Tina sat at the kitchen table, checking her phone numerous times to see if she had an incoming text back.

“You’re pathetic,” Jackie said with a smile. “Are you waiting for a call?”

“I sent a text to Bette.”

Donna walked back into the kitchen before Jackie could respond and continue her banter with Tina. Donna had a small notebook in her hand, thumbing through it quickly smiling at some of the names it contained.

“What’s that?” Tina asked.

“My autograph book,” Donna said proudly. “I’m bringing it along in case we see stars.”

“The stars?” Tina asked with a confused look on her face. “I can’t say that we’ll see a lot of them Mom.”

“I have Wayne Newton’s autograph,” Donna said proudly. “That man can wear a pair of pants!”

“I hope we see anyone else other than Wayne Newton,” Jackie exclaimed as Tina got up and headed back to her room to get ready for the day.

Tina shut the door and blocked out the conversation Donna and Jackie were having about the hopes and dreams of which stars they wanted to meet. She began her own morning routine to get ready for work. When Tina emerged from a hot shower, she checked her cell phone to see if Bette had answered the text she sent. Disappointed that her inbox was empty, Tina dried herself off, dressed in her best power suit, and quickly dried her hair with the blow dryer cursing Bette for being able to have perfect hair after it air-dried.

Tina sat on the bed with a smile on her face when her cell phone alerted her that she had an incoming message. She hit the read button and allowed her eyes to glance over the perfectly constructed sentence.

‘You should know by now, dark strangers never stay for breakfast. I’m thinking about when the stranger returns and the storm isn’t what’s making the bartender wet’

Tina’s mouth gaped open as she reread Bette’s message. A smile crept on her face and then she broke into an all out laugh.

“She researched this! She knows there’s a sequel to ‘Unmasking A Stranger’!”

Each carefully constructed word took time to type out on the cell phone, but Tina knew the impression she would make on Bette would be worth every moment she was taking to complete her mission.

‘Forget about unmasking a stranger, I’d rather touch, lick, and tease every inch of my wife’

Once Tina hit send she heard her mother barreling down the hall toward her room. There was a knock on the door, but before Tina could reach the door and open it, Donna just yelled through it.

“If you don’t think Pat Sajak will be there, do you at least think there will be a chance for us to see David Hasselhoff?”

Tina leaned her head against the wall, rocking it back and forth in disbelief.

“I’m starting to understand Bette’s window jumping attraction,” Tina muttered as she reached for the doorknob.